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COUPLES
We learn how to be in intimate relationships from our family, and often the lessons we learned there are not helpful in creating a loving partnership as adults. Intimacy with a spouse or partner can recreate patterns from our family and we often commit the same mistakes in relationships over and over again. Dysfunctional families or abusive relationships may also create "blinders" and make it harder for us to anticipate and deal with trouble. After the initial glow of the courtship fades, most couples find that they need to learn new skills to create a satisfying relationship. Typical problems involve poor communication, disagreements about parenting, lack of passion or sex, and chronic conflicts that don't get resolved. Many couples come to treatment after avoiding or arguing about these issues for many years, and they are already discouraged or looking for a way to justify ending the relationship. This obviously makes therapy more difficult, so one of our first tasks is to determine if both you and your partner want to remain in the relationship and make a commitment to psychotherapy and to each other. Even if you ultimately decide that you must separate, the way that you do this can have lasting effects for you or your children, and therapy may be useful. When infidelity occurs, both partners are struggling. The often unspoken contract has been broken. While this is one type of significant betrayal, there are many others that can involve money, children, in-laws, work, etc. Forgiveness or acceptance may be necessary when a betrayal occurs, but this is not easy to feel in the midst of hurt, anger or shame. Loving another human being always involves some amount of pain, loss and change during the course of the relationship. This is inevitable as we age and unavoidable in every partnership that perseveres over time.
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Trust is a key element of intimacy. It is possible to restore trust, but it takes work by both partners. Most people would like the problems "fixed" quickly, but simple answers are rarely lasting. Change can be difficult, especially if you never had healthy intimate relationships as a teen or young adult. However, difficulties in a marriage or committed relationship also represent an opportunity for two people to become closer and renegotiate their spoken and unspoken commitment to each other and to the future.